Posted by: wanton me | July 13, 2008

Disillusioned.

Sometimes in my otherwise very happy and optimistic life, I get disillusioned.

My boss gives me quite some work to do. She has high hopes of me, and the higher management recognises this ‘potential’ in me as well.

I actually enjoy doing all these, because I relish the power in me to inspire and create an impact on students’ lives. Many a times, though, I find myself totally stressed out with too many things to do and unsure of which priority ranks the highest.

What I am starting to feel disillusioned with, is the fact that my boss frequently tells everyone how great it is to have us on the team. At first, I was really thankful and feel appreciated. She is a great boss. She makes us feel that we work together as a team; that I am working for the department, and not for her or her promotion or whatever. She is really good at people management. From my stay in this school, I can tell the students and the staff like her, unlike the comments reserved for other school leaders in the teaching staff. Back to my point, and that is I am starting to feel desensitised with her compliments and appreciation. Is this how people work? When you tell me countless of times how you are blessed to have me in the team, I don’t see the Nth time any more significant than the 1st? It’s like I keep saying GOOD JOB, WELL DONE, or how people have misused the word ‘super’ like supermarket and stuff?

My boss also constantly tells me I am being recognised by the higher management. When there’s work for me to do, she phrases it nicely that other leaders, or say, the principal, handpicked me for the task. I never once doubted her because of her wonderful nature of a personality, but recently, I’m disillusioned.

I just feel that I should be stronger, and work harder. But does work ever stop? I know this is what I signed up for, that you can’t just pack your bags and go home; that there should be time spent doing recreation and leisure, but whenever I do that, I find myself short of time completing things on my to do list, and that list is never, ever exhaustive of course.

I’m just really tired, and unproductive and guilty.

I should really be working much harder. People see my in school as this hyper energiser bunny, always willing to help, always smiling and always setting a role model for students.

Sometimes I’m just sick and tired of it. So, does that mean I’m not suitable for the job?

Someone once said that teachers form the highest percentage in mental institutes. I have no statistics to back me up, but hypothetically I just can’t help but agree with it.

I don’t personally like this mantra, but many teachers use it and somehow it kinda inspires me a teeny bit, and that’s
“Don’t worry. We’ll survive somehow.”

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